Judy had emergency surgery and had part of here colon removed, and Steph is staying here to get her shit together. Maybe Judy will start getting better now. maybe, I hope, she will start to act like a normal woman and wife, and not be so sick, but pills and depression and sucky attitude don't change overnight.
Steph has a pill problem, but I have to try to do what I can to save her before she loses everything, including herself. She's on a bad path, and whatever tools I need to employ I have to to fix her as well, or I am fearful her depression, lack of self-esteem and insecurity, and addiction will turn her into a street person.
Her father has turned his back on her, and besides, he's a dick anyway, but her circle of friends are nothing but worthless. They steal and do pills. She needs real friends, to get back into college, learn how and why to love and give herself to someone, and find a decent guy, and not crutches and excuses.
Maybe I want something much different that what the Southern mind is apt to accept as normal, maybe because I grew up so liberal and free-spirited and had that. It works best for me, for my beliefs, which I have to deny all the time and be judged for.
Open mind, open heart, open life...
Besides Alex, my happiest was when I had that, when life held little restrictive aspects, and jealous ownership was not in the equation, and when and where friendship was what made the foundation of a relationship.
I also know that Judy needs a close and spirited girlfriend, just some friends, and that would help motivate her. She has no close or consistent friends, and that is not my fault.
And she thinks it's only a sexual thing, but it's not that or mental or anything other than spiritual to me. Sex is the perk, the emotional and mental health benefits of intense and intimate closeness is the reward there.
And even if I gave Judy everything she wanted out of me I'd still be mostly celibate, denied too much, and left unfulfilled and unhappy.
So now I just hope she gets well so I'm at least 60% satisfied.
It's like riding to work every day on a bike that keeps breaking down in a world of mass transit and cars. I'm stuck in the rain, flat tire and chain off, while everyone else rides along in comfort. That's how I feel.
And that sad part is there's a good car in the driveway and she won't take the keys out of her purse.